A recent attack

I come on this thing for datingish and I forget I have one of these as well. Well, onto my life.

I was recently gang-assaulted for my PSP. Three high schoolers to boot. They told me to give them my PSP, like it was something I'm going to part with. As I walked, they tried to trip me up to get me down on the ground. I didn't fall, they berated me, I shouted back. Eventually, they swung at me, so I stood my ground and fought back, because

1: God-damn it all if I was going to let my shit be stolen

2: God-damn it all if I was going to be threatened or (god forbid) bullied by high schoolers.

3: I was too fat, therefore I could not run far or fast but

4: I had no intention to run because

5: I was NOT going to live a life in fear again.

So, I didn't technically win the fight. I got a cut under my eye and a somewhat busted jaw. However, they didn't steal anything off of me, not even my PSP, so I consider myself a big winner to some extent. I also did the follow-up work like I'm supposed to (police station, security report, etc.). After the attack, I had to go to the hospital for dermabond under my eye and to oral surgeons because of my jaw. I either keep my teeth in alignment after 4-6 weeks in the brace or I lose the tooth and the molars because of them.

Seems stupid to have fought back only to lose and suffer a cracked jaw right? WRONG! DEAD WRONG! FUCKING WRONG! I had flashbacks to my earlier life and remembered all that shit that people got away for it against me because I didn't fight back. This time, I thought, this time I had to draw the line and take a stand. Granted, bad odds and little chance (I haven't had a fight in 10 years, I'm rusty), but still I wasn't going to back down, especially to some high schoolers.

Imagine you having to live a life where you were tortured by Jafar from the second Aladdin movie: "I can't kill you, but you'd be surprised what you can live through". Was I going to live a life in fear of some punks who wanted to steal from me? No. I work hard for what I have in life and I work hard at two jobs to make my living. Why the hell am I going to give into them? Would it have been so fucking hard for them to find a part-time job and just blow one paycheck on the PSP if they wanted it so fucking badly? I was not going to lose out on something I worked hard towards. It was mine, and they were not going to get it.

What if I had given it to them? Was I going to give them leeway to rob me again and again out of fear? I think not. Had I been the weaker person, I would've given them my PSP, and the next day they would've tried to hold me up again for stupid shit. Maybe, maybe not, but I wasn't going to chance fate like that. The worst may not have happened, the worst may have happened.

Could they have killed me? I didn't see any weapons, but I wouldn't put it past them to have done it. But, have you ever lived in fear? It's a fucking disgusting thing I can tell you that much. To me, at that moment, in time, it was like...I may die, but I'm not living in fear to a bunch of punks. Kill me or not, I was not going to let them scare me, I was not going to let them control me, and I was not going to sit on my ass to feel sorry about myself and hate myself for it later. I never thought that there were things worse than death; there are. I would have died than go back to living in fear like that.

To be honest, throughout the incident, I wasn't scared at all. Having that shit happen to me throughout my entire life, I was used to the idea of getting assaulted in groups. However, no matter how many times it may occur, you're never really prepared to fight groups by yourself. Regardless of the circumstances and the outcome (which I made out quite well with, so I'm grateful), I'm not scared of them nor the aftermath of the fight.

What I am, however, is annoyed.

When I turned eighteen, I thought that part of my life was fucking over with; ya know? I can't believe that I'm still being attacked by schoolkids at my age. It was all fucking annoying, not to mention that I'm going to have to shell out money to pay for this procedure and this bullshit, but thankfully I'm insured so it eases that burden somewhat. I can't believe that I'm being attacked by wannabe G's and little hoodlums. It may be a way of life for them, but it's not mine. Nobody should have to endure a life of fear and worry. I don't think life is all fun and games either, but it's not all bullets and cuts either. If that's their way of life, fine, but leave me the fuck out of your life.

I'm still pissed about the whole thing, but it's minor. My friends all told me that I had a right to be angry for a while. I'm going to be angry for a while, but I'm not going to let this thing be the defining moment in my life. I'm not going to stop my life on one bad day. Shit happens, I'll move on. However, I'm going to spend some time sulking over my busted jaw and whatnot before I'm ready to step up to be the bigger man again.

Thought of the Entry: There really are things worse than death. If your choice was a quick death or a long, painful, drawn-out life full of misery, suspicion, and paranoia, which one would you really take? Life's precious and all, but not if it's one that is not worth living.

RECAP!

Throwing the Dice

What would the child you once were think of the adult you have become?

I envisioned a chat when I saw this question. Very rarely do I emo-wangst/drama, but when you're 15, 17,18 years old, your bingo balls are still in the draw tank. I feel so upset about myself in the past for being weak, but as life is a changing process, I'm always growing and changing myself to become the best I have to be. In a conversation format miming Persona 4:  Me vs. Myself; a slaying of the past.

Me then: Dude, you don't have actual friends; they'll just use you until they're done with you and they'll throw you out. Just like before, once you served your purpose, you're back to the butt-monkey!

Me now: My two best friends, hell, would ANY of my friends do that? No they won't. It's not like it was back then, when I was getting suckered into helping people out only to get myself frustrated in the end. I grew up to be a better judge of character and realized what it meant to find the right people. You jackass, you used the same method it takes to hate people that it takes to love them; sit down and talk to them! You didn't think that you could have any friends, that everybody seemed to look at you the same! You were just so stupid in trusting the wrong people and shitting on the ones who did care about you! It was when I decided to be alone that I found the right people. Not everybody can benefit from that methodology, but it worked for me! I used to think it was quantity of friends that made a person, but it's quality. Now, I've got two real friends, and countless other friends, who although I don't speak to much, still have my back as I've got theirs! Society is cruel and tough, but cutting my ties to society only made it harder to live in it.

Me then: And if they betray you too? Odds are they know you well enough to know not to trust in you.

Me now: Fine. Although I keep poking my nose where it doesn't belong, I still have to learn to respect their privacy!  I can't fully ask them to trust in me if I can't fully trust them in the first place. However, don't think that knowing everything about them is full trust. No, that's actually just being really invasive! by respecting privacy, that's also trusting them! I wasn't being a friend by being invasive, I was just being a nosey twit! Some people don't have things they don't like to talk about, and I KNOW that I've got a few things I can't talk about to anybody. Don't act like that's a betrayal of trust.

Me then: You still don't have a girlfriend! Women are just so nasty! Despite no matter what you do to prove your worth, you're still nothing to them because you're ugly! It seems that no matter what you do, you're just a stupid ugly klutz! You just keep doing school and work while neglecting your love-life!

Me now: Yeah? And? Ethically speaking, by the same reasons that I think some people fall in love with the wrong ones, it's also wrong to assume that they can fall in love with you because you feel more deserving! Haven't you ever looked at yourself back then buddy? No talents, no real emotions, bad odor, no fashion sense, not applying yourself to anything nor showing any real care or concern for your own well-being or anybody else's, you didn't deserve anybody! Why the hell did you think they were going to turn you down for what you looked like? You didn't look like anything they desired? Besides, I realize now that I'm glad I made the right decision to be alone; I don't need to rely on anybody for that, just my friends who pretty much alleviate what aches me. You chose to be alone and now I've got to take those consequences; but I don't care about that!! I never said I wanted to be romantically alone all of my life, but that doesn't mean that I have to be hooking up with people now! You didn't want to find anybody because you were so insecure in yourself that you never gave anybody a chance to love you! Hell, you didn't feel anything back then either! Even with Eriselda, you were more into her for the chance of sex! She was a fine piece of ass, I'll give you that, but love solely based on sex is really immature! I still have the ability to change my lifestyle and my physique if I choose to, and unlike back then, I won't make excuses for not doing anything. The only real excuse now is that I forgot to do them, and that's really it.

Me then: Well, what about your own ADHD? You surely realize the medications are wearing off? You know you can't do anything without your pills, everybody knows it! Without those lucky pills, you're a hyperactive bozo!

Me now: That's not true. It only seemed like it was a first because nobody really talked to me about ADHD. You never went back and found out what it really was and how to counter-act it. Everything that happened as a result of ADHD was brought about by our own actions. Now that I'm older, I have a stronger mental discipline and can control my own disorder! Sometimes, I don't feel like I need the pills anymore, but they certainly don't hurt. Honestly, my current Vyvnase just seems like a psychological crutch! I was refusing to accept in my own weaknesses and blamed my weaknesses on a miracle pill. Now, I'm older and I've found new ways to manage ADHD! AND, I'm kicking twice as much ass in my life.

Me then: New ways to succeed? What about your original dream? Chemistry, how did that work out?

Me now: Door closes, two windows open. I thought it was Chemistry, just like I did then, but now I'm finding new things I'm really enjoying. You can't make a plan out at 18 and believe everything will follow suit! Times change and challenges get tougher! Maybe I did run away from Chemistry, but I realized now that I was only interested in Chemistry, not really wanting to do the work. It's no good to make yourself do something that you're not happy in! I'm now doing stuff that I really love and I won't let anything stop me this time!

Me then: You can't forget your past. You squashed that innocent girl in 8th grade, you know you got into a fight with another one in fourth grade, you got jumped numerously by groups of kids; do you think you can let that go, especially knowing how you hold grudges?

Me now: Yeah. That happened, no doubt about it. As much as I've been attacked for shit I don't deserve, I've eaten my share of peanut butter too. Granted, I'll always think about what I've done as well as what has been done to me, but I don't dwell on them. Instead, I take the lessons about myself that I've learned and apply them to the future. Like Richard Pryor once said: "You've got to have lived some life, you've got to have paid some dues."

Me then: You know you'll die alone...

Me now: And? We're born alone, we die alone. But the trip from cradle to grave doesn't have to be a solitary one. I think that's the best way to find ourselves in history, by through other stories about ourselves and the legacies we leave behind. "His"story in a sense. I don't care if I do die alone, but I've got a good feeling that even the Undertaker (not the wrestler) would weep when I die!

Me then: You're just being delusional! The real world isn't as nice as you think it is!

Me now: And the real world isn't as bad as you think it is, it's only as bad as you make it. Deal with the challenges that come your way, instead of running away like a little bitch.

Me then: Heh, you're really something these days.

Me now: I'm not you anymore. I'm my own person and I'm going to keep changing.

Thought of the Entry: Ever have an argument with yourself and come out with a much better understanding of who you are?

22 skidoo!